Meriza's Blog

I have a very caring doctor whom I completely place myself into. Every session with her, I am one step to getting better. My depression less, my agitation less - except the pressure around me, especially wrt work. I mean, like I said before, my boss, also my ex-husband drown his sorrows by over-working those around him. Thank God he is on leave tomorrow. I'm going to the office to show it off the my brothers (hopefully they are free) he he he.

I know, in order to change the course I am going to head to, I must leave the past behind. All of it. We humans are, aren't supposed to be rigid or hold on to something too tightly, otherwise it'll be so painful, when life, makes it's order to move... move along. I have some issues to sort out, epsecially with regards to my point of view, friends. I kinda lost my ex-best friend the lawyer, because at one point she chooses to go one way, and I choose to go another. Now, I have a new best friend, who will be going to the United Kingdom while I hopefully, fly to Paris for university, and she to Manchester to do her Masters.

Sometimes I feel, people like my parents, approaching 60, have got nothing to learn about life, and about people, especially their children. My parent's previous attitude before is that they are old, and have nothing to learn... but it turns out, I don't really know about them, but they are also learning, to let go... and because of that our relationship improves. I have my mother's veracity and aggresiveness, while I have my father's intelligence and wisdom (my father is a very intelligent man, although he doesn't admit it. He heads a very large multi-national in Malaysia and have been in leadership positions here in Asia, and have travelled to many parts of the world. That kinda explains my very global upbringing and my taste for travel because I've been doing it since I was a little girl. My parents put education at the top of their priority for all their children, and sent me to the best schools that they can. They encourage my endeavour for self-improvement and share my happiness with me for hopefully, my studies in Paris, next year.

I have a friend, an Australian friend, who sometimes I bug on Skype when I have no one to talk to. I've to admit, he is very knowledgeable and somewhat quite intelligent. But because of age, and perhaps culture (we Muslims are taught to often pause about life and reflect. They say, a moment of reflection is better than reading a thousand books), he doesn't take a moment to contemplate on life. The danger for that is that, without realizing it, without realizing that we are supposed to reflect upon God and life, we can't see the options and the realities that life offers us. And we live life unsettled and feet not unto the ground.

I've been talking to my doctor about this, because she is also a very intelligent and wise woman. She had an academic life and was a Professor at a local university. She also is a fellow at a think-tank in Malaysia. So, she understands me very well. 

Anyway, at almost 30, I realize that life is kind and cruel at the same time. Life will give you what you give to it. And life gives you that option, us as human beings to offer it, what you want to give it. Knowing that, choose wisely and give wisely too.

Life is simple. You can't always expect miracles to happen to you. When you choose a path, ask yourself, where do I see myself in 5 years or 10 years time if I choose this way? So... if I want things to change, what should I do? If I stay at the same place, will things change? Without any Divine intervention, I'm afraid not... :(

So, question is... how do I feel?

Hmmm..... :) 

It's no big deal. I told everyone that I have a MacBook. Now, I've to go downstairs and get myself an SD card reader for my digital camera which I enjoy playing with. Contrary to the new release of the MacBook, mine is the aluminum unibody ones like the MacBook PRO, not the white plastic one (which I won't get in the first place). So, who cares if I have a MacBook right? Thing is, I am the ONLY one in the office with a Mac, and I am so dependent on my other colleagues to get certain things done... like using photoshop, photo editor. Thankfully, Microsoft Office is down the drain nowadays... we never use Office anymore in this office.

 Anyway, using a Mac OS does give a new perspective on things... especially some ideas on our software. Azrul is more open to the new Apple thing... and we're totally bought over by Apple. Maybe not him so much... but I've at least got everything from them... my MacBook, iPhone, iPod. And just today, I accidently 'took' the Protection Pack Silicone from Marware at the Mac shop. I didn't realize I did not pay for it as the office went there to buy the new iPod Touch. As they say in Malay... it's my 'rezeki'. he he he!

I'm much happier today. I don't feel so agitated about the whole thing... I CAN work with Azrul, and we hardly talk about our personal lives nowadays. Except sometimes I do feel insecure with the amount/type of friends he has... but I'll talk to my doctor about it...

Last week we almost officially moved into our new office. We were really, really lucky to get this space, as we don't have to re-renovate the whole space and it'll cost us a bomb to do it! The previous owner was an interior design company, and we spent some money to re-renovate/refurbish the place to fit our nature of business. Some things stayed while others were thrown away. A new sign is placed at the reception to greet people as it smiles to a "JomSocial"

I hope one day you would forgive me for wanting this. For your happiness and mine, I ask for this. Please don't hold any malice in your heart for me wanting this. Like how I am trying to forgive my parents for being what they are so that - I will have a happy future and will not drag this for the rest of my life.

 Although sometimes I am scared, but I am happy. I have new friends girlfriends and (gay friends - he he he), and I wanna party just like the way I used to. I wanna be myself, I wanna be the person that I love. I cannot expect people to love me if I don't start to love myself. It is a journey, that I must take - to rediscover who I am... But I am happy. Real happy. Now I am just sorting myself out. Trying to be independent in most places. Being professional at work... and and... sorting out my studies in France - visa, accomodation. Oh my, I'm gonna live in poverty when I'm there... like Euro 1000 only a month. Shoot! :P But I'll live. Just don't go to Champs Elysee and buy that latest Chanel handbag! No! No Meriza No! Get away from that Chanel!!! :P

I think I've just come to a stage in life where I'm trying to find a balance. Life isn't all about chasing the material things, and outperforming the others in various aspects of it. But I'm lucky in the sense that everything I do, I excel.  And to be honest, yoga and pilates helps me a lot in understanding my limitations as well as making me feel grounded. Understanding your limitations doesn't actually make you less perform, BUT it makes you more stable and you can actually still excel. Just not be jaded by expectations. Religion on the other hand, keeps me living with a lot of hope and trying to be brave while my feet is grounded on the everlasting earth. What I'm trying to do now is to free myself from my mental limitations, my prejudice of people, my presumptions, my one track mind... to be free.

 Anyway here is a song to celebrate my good mood and happiness for today, and this weekend: